It's Tuesday today. It's raining today. My (youngest) son is home from preschool today. I thought I'd share some things that are happening at the moment, not so much these actual "things", but perhaps more the thought and emotion things that are happening.....
I feel like I'm on the edge, watching the ocean pounding around me and trying to find the right moment to jump in without being washed out to sea of thrown back on the shore. That elusive somehow middle space, the balance that doesn't actually exist.
At the moment I'm blocking things out, in my head and my to-do list. Like a blinkered horse I'm ignoring the things aren't calling as loudly as the other things. I'm pushing things away that I know will either wait, or slip by and be forgotten. I'm trying to remind myself to do the things that matter the most, I'm trying to remind myself to make sure I don't overcommit and that I follow through. I'm trying to remind myself, above all else, that what I am doing is just the very best I can do. And that in being just the very best I'm sure to let some people down, to forget some things, to take longer doing something that I reasonably should but actually have to.
I'm trying to remind myself simply to breathe.
When you don't plan, and let yourself drift about lovely things can happen, but also other things take over from the important things. Other things push their way in and make themselves feel important. Or yell at you more than the whispering things. I think I want the whispering things.....
Here's what whispers to me, and what I want to pay more attention to:
- my loom weavings
- my daily stitching - particularly Fearless Quilt
- being present with my children, in a joyful & honest way
- communicating with my community in a real & raw way
- quietness for self - mind & body
- walks in the garden or forest
- daily writing - be it small and simple poems or longer parts of prose or whatever shows itself
Here's what's talking quite loudly to me that I would very much like to not partake of much more:
- the daily arguments about washing up, with my children
- feeling like if I don't upkeep my Instagram I'll loose something (a certain 'following' you might become paying customers is the biggest worry, rather than other things... but other things creep in)
- doing all the other things because they're important and necessary to some aspects of our life - ie P&C commitments at both preschool and school can't happen, aren't viable
- guilt at friendships and not staying on top of keeping in touch
- body issues about having a little more weight than I'd currently like
- our house endlessly being messy
- the giant list of things I want to do down the track (have a studio space people can visit / workshop / stay at being a big one)
- money issues... always, again and again
So - how do we work around and past and through things. How do we make important things important and other things not so. How to we tune into the whispers when the loud talking and yelling gets too loud? Finding space, time, energy, motivation, momentum to have breathing space in life is important. I know when I don't give myself that space then I spiral out of control. Lately - with workshops in Melbourne and Sunshine Coast, being away two weekends in a row... it's hard for us all. River didn't want to go to preschool because I think he needed to give himself breathing space. What a wise little creature - the tears this morning when I went to drop him off where what I knew I needed to shed as well. I'm glad he is wise enough for both of us, to give us both space. And I'm glad my parenting journey how shown me it's ok to drive into town to drop him off at preschool (Which he usually loves), and then bring him home again.
Listening to whispers. That's what I'll be doing this week. What about you?
What's whispering to you?
What's yelling at you, that you'd prefer to not be hearing?