'busy' - it's a word I dislike, I don't feel it achieves anything other than showing off…. 'oh, I'm much too busy' said in a super-important voice. I don't like being busy, or even playing at being busy. I don't like being 'time-poor' or filled up with things I don't want to do. Yet lately - perhaps this whole year so far, even, maybe? - I've been 'busy'. I feel like there's been too much hustle (another word I highly dislike) and too much busy.
I feel like every time I sit down for tea or coffee or even to eat, there's things I'm doing. All my talk of slow, of quietly, of sitting and soaking and being …… it's all for nothing - because mostly I'm rushing, and doing and 'busy'. Oh yes - a lot of it comes down to that sweet little toddler of mine. The one who doesn't sleep as much as he should, or sit and play quietly as I'd like; the one who likes to climb all over me as soon as Sam hands me a morning coffee, or demands to go walking whenever the kettle is boiled.
But it's more than that. It's not just a baby pulling at me. It's some inner scurry that's got me all worked up. It's a combination of needing to work, needing to create, needing to make more work happen, make income, mother, volunteer at school….. and keep it all going, all together. Those things. It feels like taking the quiet moments mean I'm not actively working towards something. Or that my to-do list is getting bigger and being neglected. I'm always noticing things waiting for me to action them - something sitting waiting…. little jobs here and there, little things to keep up with, to cross off my list.
Often I feel like I'm battling to stay standing upright; I've forced a smile on my face when people in the street ask how I am (cause I don't need to break down and cry to the post office lady, or the people selling my veggies at the farmers market); I'm living in pockets of breath --- those moments when I remember to stop look up, notice the trees, and breathe.
Tea and exhaling - I think they're pretty great at solving lots of things. If you have time for either! Shall I say > make time, force time, push something off your list, ask for help somehow or other (just so you know; that's not a weakness - there's strength in asking a school mum, a friend, your husband, your sister for help!). Say no to something. Make the time - or otherwise your body will possibly take control of the situation itself in fairly drastic ways.
My head might explode with all of the everything I've got going on, but just a small pocket of time with no-one on me, at me, needing or wanting me, and quiet to do as I please goes a long way to re-setting the timer on those self-destruct buttons I often feel close to pushing.
What are your magic, solve the stresses tricks?